They say bright light makes your
eye shut. It is ironic that in your brightest moment, all you can have and
afford is absolute darkness. I guess that is the principle of life, its nature.
The innate oxymoronic character it possesses. It makes me wonder if every
observation is by extension a mischaracterization, a mirage. Is it just a
synonym for the concept of zenith? You wish, even see the earth and heaven
meeting, only to realize it is never going to happen.
While the mystery
of moments plots its moves, I sit behind and analyze the traces of universal
truth, trying to comfort myself with my uncomfortable cot. I watch myself grow
in my head, my aspirations, wishes and demands whispering themselves and I ask
myself, do they ever get heard? And I answer myself with the speck of
understanding I hold as an extension of the conclusion of life I have lived so
far.
As a newborn,
all I required was food and sleep. But I was told that people flocked around me
because the adored the way I meaninglessly reacted to their meaningless words
and movements. By the time I adapted to that sort of attention and grew enough
likelihood to prioritize it in terms of my requirements, I was already an elder
brother. Now I am not complaining, but I never asked for responsibilities. I
was served on a golden plate an offer I wasn’t allowed to refuse. Slowly and
gradually, I started taking pride in it. A good son, a good brother, a
accountable person started sounding like compliments, and I inferred that the
happiness I aspired for lies in this accomplishment.
Only then I figured,
hungry stomachs around you make you an irresponsible man. The onus wasn’t on
me, I do agree. But it is easier to labor for bread and butter instead of
struggling in the shepherd to get social acknowledgement. Also, personal
aspirations had adulterated my priority list. By the time, social norms had its
way; I almost made myself believe that it’s the best way to cater to my responsibilities.
But it was all a facade; I just refused to believe it.
Just
when it was the time to go back to square one, the world told me that the value
you have is deciphered by the width of your wallet. All I was looking for was
some peace, a never ending moment of quiet and calm, but I was already a sheep
in the herd and it wasn’t hard to persuade me that what I want isn’t something
money can’t buy.
For the last few
months, I have tried to make peace with the past and all I aimed was to settle
myself down. I don’t know what it means, but I have heard learned people talk
about it and apparently nothing is hard when you try. And I tried really hard
to settle myself, so to say. And here I am today, wondering what I was trying
to do. It has made me so agitated, it’s unsettling!
So then if every act we perform had its outcome already predefined, and
the world seldom works our way. Why try at all? I believe I have an answer,
although it might just be a miserable way of self consolation. I guess
stagnation is a feared concept in humanity. We are afraid to believe that we
are insignificant and our actions have negligible repercussions. We are not
ready to accept that there is nothing for us to look forward to, that will go
according to our plan, that our own lives end as it starts and we are just
puppets of the show. This is why we need a make-believe future; this is why we
need hopes.
So, tonight I will close my eyes and when the brightness attempts to
darken my vision again, I will forget what I thought about my life this night,
or at least I will pretend. Till then, let’s all smile and imagine ourselves to
be happy. May be if this does not go as we plan, we will actually know what it
feels like to be happy……in reality.
CHINMOY DEY
(Daichi)
1st
Oct., 2015
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