THE MORNING VIEW
The early morning fog, the mist touching the green and the
smoke fuming from that far-east chimney. I sat on a corner, watching the
scenery, staring at its beauty. The breeze blowing with a silent whisper, may
be trying to convey something to me that I found hard to comprehend. Those
clouds, white with a shade of grey, sailing in the sky, not caring at all about
human boundaries made my heart feel jealous. Birds, flying out of the nest to
announce that morning mean a new start, and flying high to begin the journey
with new heights. Even the seeds in the air, searching for a place to settle
and grow into a plant, kept moving till my eyes could locate. But me of all
things just sat there and watched. Not because I am paralyzed, not that I don’t
want to move. But the chains of dependency had bound me with her shackles. Her
subordinate, time, is a magician. It can manipulate minds. And it had put into
me a false realization that being stagnant is being merry. But did I really
want to be stagnant? Was I not the one who of all people would put a step
forward to take chances? Wasn’t that the same me who could inspire others not
to play safe, whose believed in “no risk, no gain”. Then what has changed? The
person, the feeling? They say time has changed, my son. So what! Man is master
of his own. Is it acceptable that an immaterial existence can change his entire
identity? The question was simple, but the answer…..was far from being found.
People say, the old disappears to make space for the new. But my past is
clinched to me, and I cherish it. But running for the present has made my past
drift away from me. And the present never welcomed me, with her arms open, with
that smiling face. Ever since then, I have been living in a void. But whom
should I blame? They say, you are responsible for your life. But was it me
taking all my decisions back then? Or was I being silently manipulated? I was a
free jungle bird, but the cage has its own comfort, and it made the taste of
freedom fade away somewhere in the dark. I have tried to break free, but my
efforts were not honest. And now when I see everything around me living their
freedom, I choke. I choke with pain, with fear. The fear that like my past, I
will fade away, someday. There will be no existence of mine, just a name, or
maybe even not that. When I think about people boasting on their incredible
achievements, I still ask myself “Do I know who I am?” I don’t find an answer.
May be the search will urn into a lifelong expedition. They say, keep moving,
for change is the eternal truth of life. But my life just moved from my
mother’s lap to a single bed with no comfort, no pamper. From surrounded by
friends to an alien environment, where no one knows me, my true self. Is that
the change they talk about? For if this is what change means, I fear every
smile I once appreciated will actually turn out to be fake. They say, after
dark comes light. But is light that important? Isn’t shining in the dark the
real attribute? Or we have all been taken hostages by the mixed blessing called
hope from the house of effort. I try to compare myself with something, someone,
but I find I am incapable of being compared with anybody. For everything,
everyone has a motive. What about me? Beating around the bush, bragging now and
them is all I have ever done. They say, people remember you for your
substantial contribution. All my life I kept searching for what substantial
means. Now I find myself entangled within thousands of unanswered questions. I
have to begin the search, the quest. They say, what better time than now.
The sun is rising, but its shining
light had already blown the trumpet of its rising. May be before I rise, I have
to shine so that the brightness within me can enlighten me for rest of my
journey. For now, I will sit and gaze a bit more, ironically mocking at my own
situation.
I will be taking your leave.
-DAICHI (CHINMOY DEY)
20TH
SEP. 2012
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